Fretless
by Tomy
Summary: Set immediately after the events of the first movie: Jim can't shake the events after returning to Earth. Instead he shakes his new friends to think through all he has learned and their consequences.


Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to G Roddenberry, JJ Abrams et all. I'm just having some fun.  
>AN: Thanks and love to elfin for dropping her current works to beta. One of my best friends and truly an inspiration.  
>Jim Kirk can't shake the events after returning to Earth. Set immediately after the first movie.<p>

Ten thousand reasons I should run away  
>You've got me bound and chained<br>But that don't make me your prisoner  
>I've kissed your demons and I love the taste<br>~Criminal – Ash Koley

**Fretless**  
>by tomy<p>

Ditching Bones had been easier then ditching the paparazzi – frankly he had expected the opposite.

He had grabbed his grubbiest, most worn down clothes, and honestly they felt mighty comfortable after wearing his formal uniforms for so many days.

The secluded spot he'd found across from the main land, overlooking the Golden Gate was far too beautiful and serene for the muddled thoughts in his head. There was no sign of the horror that had occurred just a short time ago. Soon they would be trying to resurrect the drill from the bottom of the bay, somehow raising the alien machinery – they would carefully and painstakingly raise it from the depths and research it, reverse engineer it – in their fascination forgetting the devastation it had caused.

Of all the events that had occurred, only one weighed heavily, causing him more grief than any other.

How the fuck was he supposed to live with the knowledge of all that had happened on Delta Vega? He knew the elder Spock had not meant to let him see so much. To have seen himself in the alternative timeline. To have felt the affection - love - he felt when this Spock dealt with his alternative self. It was such an unfamiliar feeling, one he greedily latched onto.

Then there were the other memories that had slipped through; seeing himself beside his father – that single memory was almost too much to bare. For the first time in his life he actually saw and heard his father; saw his mother and brother happy, united. Himself laughing with them.

This shit could put him in the looney bin – thinking of what was in the other reality. Not even "could have/would have" – these were events that HAD happened.

But not to him. Not in this lifetime. He would never have a 'family'. This Spock would never care for him – fuck it would be a miracle if they could become friends; especially considering his throat still burned from almost being strangled. It looked like the alternative self didn't drink to the extent he did either. Why should he? Life was pretty good by the looks of things.

_Such a tease._

The grief was all-encompassing. Gaila was gone, the one person he thought he might be able to love. No, it wasn't the most healthy of relationships – but she understood, she got it. He could talk to her.

There was no one he could turn to with this shit. Not without them thinking he had completely lost his marbles out in space.

In reality, he had every right to lose his mind. He had confronted the man that had drastically changed his life. He'd won the battle, avenged his father's murder.

Yet all he could focus on was the loss of what could have been. The knowledge of the events that occurred to the crew in the elder Spock's memories.

To watch himself watch Spock die.

He shook his head, trying to clear out the thoughts of another, trying to replace them with his own. At least if those events occurred in this time line, he knew how to circumvent them.

He drew in a shaky breath. Who knew the Vulcan mind meld could transfer so much in a short period of time. He could still feel the too warm fingers on his frost bitten cheek. He'd trusted the old Vulcan – he still couldn't understand why he'd done it, why he had allowed himself to be so close.

He ached to see the old man, to ask the myriad of questions swirling in his head, eager for the answers, wanting desperately to find the path to the relationships his alternate self had created. He longed for it as badly as he wanted to keep his Captaincy.

They were going to throw the book at him – cheating, stowing away on the Enterprise, disrespecting a commanding officer – he'd be lucky if they allowed him to remain in Starfleet.

His comm beeping took him out of his down spiralling musings. Pulling it off his belt he noted the message from Pike. At least this was one plus to this timeline – Pike was still alive. About to kick his ass 3 ways from Sunday if he wanted to be completely honest. Maybe Pike would have some good news.

Standing, Jim took one last look around as he dusted the sand from the back of his black slacks. It was time to face the music for his actions. And then he would have to call his mother – let her know his was still alive, and possibly out on his ass again.

Fin

12/01/2014


End file.
